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A Comprehensive Review of the Henchman and Heavies of Ronin
Ronin, the John Frankenheimer espionage and car chase thriller, came out nearly twenty years ago. The film features an impossible, incoherent plot, inscrutable geopolitics, and De Niro grasping at the...
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The XFL and the XFLs Promised
This week, America’s Lumpiest CEO Vince McMahon announced he had looked at the XFL, which only exists as a faded joke emblematic of absurd early twenty-first century boondoggle sporting ventures along...
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The First Disappointing Northwestern Basketball Season
Northwestern has had basketball disappointments-- heartbreakingly close losses to miss the NCAA tournament, falling victim to NIT bracketology, having Big Ten championship celebrations derailed by grim...
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Moneyball, or The Modern Prometheus
The baseball season has started up and fans are thrilled by the bunting and the umpires who have spent the entire winter brushing up on their HRAAAAANNNNTTTT strike bellows and the possibilities of...
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THE NBA DRAFT LOTTERY IS A VILE ABOMINATION
There is a certain joy in a bad basketball team. If the Bulls only featured several young players to get unreasonably excited about, Stacey King testing out his groan-inducing catchphrases, Robin...
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This Blog has been around for Ten Years Good Grief Also It Is College...
College football has a lot of things going for it: exciting finishes, field-storming upsets, a general air of ruckus that surrounds it, but the greatest contribution that college football makes to the...
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Week 2: Pain
Football fetishes its strategic sophistication. All coaches now need to communicate via radio to their Tactical Press Box Command Centers except for quarterbacks who need to use the last landline...
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Week 3: Money
Northwestern's new quarter-billion dollar sports facility sits under water, only accessible by private submarine. There, athletes have access to the Big Ten's heaviest weights, wettest pools, and...
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Defeat
There was a point in the second quarter, just after Northwestern went up 17-0 against the fourteenth-ranked Wolverines when play stopped and Pat Fitzgerald ran on the the field in a one man fist bump...
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Fanatic
Northwestern's brilliant 99-yard drive down seven with two minutes to go and no timeouts to tie the game looked fantastic on the stilted play-by-play slowly loading onto my phone and on the anguished...
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Overtime
Yes, there may be a person, huddled in a shack somewhere or in one of those vans that are full of computers where people karate chop keyboards and scream that they’re being hacked by an animated ASCII...
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Championship/Rivalry
Let's just lead off with it: the Northwestern Wildcats have won the Big Ten West. There are two games left; Northwestern could spend its road trip in Minnesota lounging on hammocks and its Hat Game...
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Statistics
Pat Fitzgerald has a saying he likes to bleat out from time to time: "stats are for losers." This sort of sentiment comes partly from Fitzgerald's frustration from feeling overlooked and underrated...
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Championship
Northwestern football has them all doing the one thing they don't want to be doing and that is talking about Northwestern football for an extra week. The Wildcats did this by remaining standing atop a...
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The Wheel Has Turned and the Cycle Continues Anew: The Bulls Have Hired a...
For some reason the Bulls, an already crummy team ravaged by every single player tearing the same knee ligament, decided to fire gormless PTA Dad coach Fred Hoiberg. Hoiberg had little going for him...
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Bowl
Alabama and Clemson will face off yet again in the national championship after effortlessly humiliating the supposed third- and fourth-best teams in college football, and it sure seems like there is...
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Holiday
It is not supposed to be chilly and rainy in San Diego. Football teams are supposed to win games that they lead 20-3. Northwestern is not supposed to score 28 points in a quarter, and Utah players...
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Do Androids Dream of Electric Soccer Men
S.S. Milazzo have weathered heartbreak in the fourth division of Italian soccer. Their quest to leave the mud-soaked pitches and empty bleachers in this soccer Siberia for the Holy Land of...
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Review/Preview
It is impossible to write anything more evocative on Northwestern's tortured, miserable, last-place basketball season than this gif of Chris Collins on all fours slapping the floor, his eyes glazed...
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The NFL Draft is the Strangest Spectacle on Television
At least the Super Bowl, the NFL's great spectacle of football and bizarre halftime entertainment and people huddling in house parties to see how a truck is going to be sold to them does surround a...
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