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14 Philosophically Midwestern Universities Attempt to Play Football. You...
Oh it is coming. August is the first ripple in the water glass, next is the coaches goldblumically cackling their way through press conferences, then a goat is dismembered, a lawyer flees to a toilet,...
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You Maniacs
How is this possible?Michigan players dashed into action. They vaulted over benches and spun around sideline personnel. The holder came sliding in like a Beastie Boy navigating a car hood in the...
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Haturn Devouring His Hat
HAT-- Hat!Hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat. Hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat? Hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat hat; hat hat hat hat hat hat hat...
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Old Hat
Well, they got the hat.Northwestern's football season was plagued by misfortune and we spent a horrifying winter without the relief of a soothing, crappy bowl game. But (and you know this because it...
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Hope is Snake Oil: The 2014 Chicago Cubs
Spring training is winding to a close. The baseball season started last weekend as the Dodgers and Diamondbacks opened play to a crowd of dozens of puzzled Australians who were not told that baseball...
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Northwestern Preview
In scant weeks, the college football will again get underway and soon, perhaps as soon as the first forlorn kickoff returner is scraped off the field, it will be time to have The Conversation.The...
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Week 1: Fall of the House of Beck Man
Football has returned! On Saturday, the twenty-first ranked Stanford Cardinal drive their crowd-sourced content-centered Silicon Valley Tesla bus into Evanston while the Wildcats will try to disrupt...
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Week 2: The Day of Two Noons
There are numerous ways to begin a season: elation, disappointment, caution, and amid accusations of football malfeasance. This year, an unheralded Wildcat team looked awfully good against a sluggish...
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Week 3: The Northwestern-Eastern Illinois Game is Decadent and Depraved
Northwestern is ranked. According to the Associated Press and the cabal of harried graduate football video coordinators who fill out the Coaches' Poll, Northwestern is one of the top 25 teams in these...
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WEEK 4: A Twenty-One Punt Salute
Northwestern came into the season with a tough schedule, an undefined situation at quarterback, back-to-back bowl-free seasons and the loss of the Hat to a team coached by a human bobblehead. Another...
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Week 5: UNDER THE LIGHTS
The sun dipped behind the press box, the lights shone on the field, and, with the eyes of the nation upon Northwestern in Big Ten Network Regional Action and with a fearsome two-tarp crowd, the...
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Week 6: Big Ten Carnival
Northwestern tarps off one or two ends of the northeast stands for games. This is to prevent the shameful appearance of naked bleachers on television, covering them with an aesthetically superior...
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Week 7: BIG TEN SLOBBERKNOCKIN' and the Laws of the Universe
For the past three years, the Northwestern-Michigan game has ended in a conflagration of unlikely football misfortune robbing the Wildcats of a victory over a depleted, languid Michigan team. That did...
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Week 8: It is a Sad Day, When Your Sports Team Loses the Game
Sports fandom is inherently silly. Watching people you do not know chase balls up and down fields or courts or regulation handball galleons is pointless. Touchdowns? Pointless. Slam dunks? Wastes of...
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Week 9: Welcome to The National Juried Bowl Show
It's been two long years, but the Northwestern Wildcats are going bowling again. They have six wins, and there is nothing anyone can do to stop them from appearing in the Amalgamated Anvil and Anvil...
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Week 10: Playoff Picture
Well, the College Football Playoff Committee has come out of its walnut-lined antechambers and released their rankings. There's still a month left of college football action, and the rankings have...
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Week 11: Clocks
This week, the Playoff Committee released its newest rankings which, we should all remember, remain entirely meaningless at this stage. For example, the Playoff Committee could rank Purdue at #2, just...
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Week 12: WINTERBALL
Purdue football is a depressing morass of football ineptitude that nearly turned Ryan Field into an unimaginable house of horrors. The Boilermakers managed to accomplish that with the dangerously...
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Thirty Days: Hat November
An Oral History of the Greatest Rivalry in College Football For more than one hundred years, the University of Illinois and Northwestern University, separated by about 150 miles, have nurtured the...
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Week 13: The Sound Decisions of Learned Referees
Winter arrived last weekend in Madison. The northern winds swept ice and snow across the Midwest and buffeted the stadium with freezing air and football misery. It is as if Jim Delany, sitting...
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