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Week 7: On Sports Bullshit
The Wildcats return with an extra week to luxuriate in their upset over Iowa and try to carry the momentum toward a bowl berth. For that, they'll need six wins or five wins and a desperate hope that...
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Week 8: Polked Them
Last week, this website's comprehensive football analytics department crunched the numbers and decided this game would be a low-scoring contest governed by the old slogan "Who Punts Wins." Instead,...
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Week 9: CAUGHT IT CLUB-HANDED
After two weeks, Northwestern looked doomed to a miserable season of weekly clobberings by even the Big Ten's most abysmal teams. Now, they're 4-2 and sitting in second place in the Big Ten West,...
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Week 10: Streaks
Northwestern headed into Ohio State with an overwhelming losing streak in Columbus. The last time the Wildcats won in Columbus was 1971, when Woody Hayes was at the height of his terrifying powers,...
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Week 11: Extraneous Football
They were weeping in Madison on Saturday, fans hugging their older relatives and long-time supporters gathering outside Camp Randall Stadium as their Badgers finally managed to knock off the...
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Week 12: SINKHOLES
I remember a time when Purdue cut a reign of terror through the Big Ten, when Purdue regularly sent its quarterbacks to the NFL instead of to SEC teams as ghoulish Big Ten specters, when the mustaches...
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Week 13: Clean, Old-Fashioned Hat
There is one week left of Northwestern football and the Wildcats are out of time. Either beat a putrid Illinois team and qualify for the Wattle Farms Chicken Gizzard Remainder Bowl or fall apart, a...
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Week 14: Who Cares About the Playoff, They Got the Hat
High noon eastern time and the whole country is simultaneously tuned to Big Ten Country for the nation's greatest rivalry spectacle in college sports. It has been impossible to find anyone with the...
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HEY I'M PLAYIN' FOOTBALL HERE
The Northwestern Wildcat Football Team shrugged off a hideous loss to an FCS bottom-feeder and managed to defeat Iowa and the fetid rump of the Big Ten West to qualify for this, a mid-afternoon weekday...
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UNDEFEATED IN ALL HAT-RELATED CONTESTS
Kudos to whatever maniac dreamed up the Pinstripe Bowl, a football game played in a baseball stadium in a city that on a late December afternoon could be overrun by snow, ice, polar winds, and complex...
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Historical Gas Prices
Here they come. The reporters with their feature stories, the announcers with their anecdotes, the Lunardis and the KenPoms and the retinues of seeders and bracketmancers, all bivouacked in Evanston...
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The Golden Age of Sports Gimmickry
Welsh-Ryan Arena is an ear-splitting thunderdome filled with 8,000 Icaruses flying headlong into the sun. The Northwestern Wildcats are poised to make the NCAA Tournament and end the streak that...
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Deadlines
For the past week, the Bulls have sat on a detonator as the potential catalysts for a blockbuster trade that could have blown a dent in the inevitable LeBron James romp to the NBA Finals. They could...
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THE PASS
There was a risk that it could have all gone disastrously wrong, that Nate Taphorn's overhand, full-court baseball heave could have sailed over Dererk Pardon's outstretched arms into the face of a...
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NCAA TOURNAMENT PARTICIPANTS
Just a day before the Gumbel Brother put Northwestern on the bracket, Welsh-Ryan exploded in a paroxysm of basketball-related screaming, and the Sports Media Personalities unleashed their unholy...
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UNDFEATED ALL TIME IN NCAA TOURNAMENT GAMES
Every other year, that ludicrous 35-foot Vanderbilt three would have gone in. Or that last second halfcourt heave would have banked high off the backboard and through in a grotesque parody of...
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NCAA Tournament Review: Five Stars, Would Dance Again
The lingering image of Northwestern's second NCAA Tournament game will forever be a hand reaching up from below the basket in a swashbuckling act of goaltending, Chris Collins's berserker rage and...
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CUBS PREVIEW 2017: NOW WHAT
Those maniacs did it. And now, after more than a century of ineptitude, a litany of specific playoff humiliations, an angry, mustard-flecked mob that has driven a nebbishy-looking baseball fan to the...
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The Miserable, Awful Bulls Spitefully Refuse to Go Away
Brad Stevens must not be sleeping very well in the government-issued mind helmet that he must keep on at night to prevent his genius brain from emitting dangerous waves. The top-seeded Boston Celtics...
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The NFL Draft Was Insane Enough and Then They Added Orangutans
Every 1980s future dystopia movie that takes place roughly now reveled in showing sports that have moved in parallel with the government's inevitable slide into shoulder-padded, neon technofascism by...
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